06-22-2019, 01:07 PM
hi nancynutmeg; what a great name. thanks for leaving feedback elsewhere and for posting your poetry.
1st off, don't be deterred by any remarks given here.
a good start would be to break it down into lines but that will always be your choice. in general it makes for an easier read.
secondly you have a lot of cliches [words or phrase that have been over used in poetry and elsewhere]. try and make it using phrases only you have created.
images [metaphor or simile] capture the moment,
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful.
I first saw you as sunlight through a soft breeze
if you want a lift doing a few edits just say so and i'll give a few examples for you to work off.
thank you for posting.
1st off, don't be deterred by any remarks given here.
a good start would be to break it down into lines but that will always be your choice. in general it makes for an easier read.
secondly you have a lot of cliches [words or phrase that have been over used in poetry and elsewhere]. try and make it using phrases only you have created.
images [metaphor or simile] capture the moment,
When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful.
I first saw you as sunlight through a soft breeze
if you want a lift doing a few edits just say so and i'll give a few examples for you to work off.
thank you for posting.
(06-22-2019, 06:14 AM)NancyNutmeg Wrote: When i first saw you i thought you were beautiful. When i first kissed you, i knew your skin was made from something magic.
But there's a wall between us. The other woman, the black hole, that rotten person you call a friend.
With your feet firmly planted on the other side, all you could do was say 'I'm sorry',as the tears ran down our cheeks.
I'm sorry, you think that wall is your cocoon, I'm sorry you think you need it.
All I can do is love you from afar and wait until you see, those coloured wings are trapped.
You have always been the butterfly.