06-22-2019, 03:47 AM
In the snarling stations,
I think dropping the article ‘the’ would smoothen the flow of the line, make it stronger and more concise. The opening line should – theoretically - be the second strongest line in the poem.
the beeping anger of the traffic's tide,
Same thought here. Scratch ‘beeping’. Adjectives and adverbs should be used sparingly, I believe. Unless they are containing absolutely necessary info, their use – and overuse- tend to add drag to the read.
something leavens:
I’d like to know here what is being leavened. It will lend direction to the readers’ thought which I think is currently missing. I think it needs to be alluded: leavens fear? Leavens despair? What needs leavening? Obviously what follows is the catalyst.
this child's smile,
their delight in fairy dresses.
Who is the pronoun ‘their’ refering to to? ‘Their’ is plural. The only preceeding noun is ‘child’. Singular. Changing the preceeding line to something like ‘the childrens’ smiles’ world correct that, and make the preceeding line a bit smoother. Or perhaps change this line to ‘her delight in fairy dresses’. Or ‘his delight in fairy dresses.’ if you’re looking to make a statement or observation on today's society. .
The way a girl both tall and beautiful
still bows her head.
So there’s something uplifting about the way a beautiful girl bows her head in what? Deference? Fear? There could almost be something about this slightly dark, or intimate. Is she one whom Baudelaire would desire to conquer? Just wondering, not being critical. I really like the imagery. Perhaps commas after girl and beautiful to force the reader to pause appropriately at those points. Your call.
There's a sadness in the world
I’d drop the ‘a’ for the same reason as in S1.
that Baudelaire remarked
which
makes the beautiful more beautiful.
The line drags a bit for me. Which makes the beautiful [even] more so. Might leave out ‘even.
Somehow the following stanza doesn’t connect to the setup, for me. Showing the contrast eliminates the need to say ‘a contrast’. The excessive (imo) use of line breaks at the end adds nothing, only serves to weaken what should be the first strongest line in the piece.
A longing, a yearning for the view of distant places.
A contrast, the stain of whores collapsing,
heroin fixed.
Feels contrived.
A baby's pure eyes.
Don’t need the modification...
This pencil trying to
record it all.
Perhaps a little restructuring. Going directly to the ugly will create the contrast from the previous ’beautiful’ line.
The stain of collapsed whores
A baby’s eyes
A yearning for the view of distant places
This pencil trying to record them.
Perhaps one more line of ugliness after ‘ a baby’s eyes’ would flesh out the stanza a bit more. Homeless city or something.
Looking forward to what you do with this.
I think dropping the article ‘the’ would smoothen the flow of the line, make it stronger and more concise. The opening line should – theoretically - be the second strongest line in the poem.
the beeping anger of the traffic's tide,
Same thought here. Scratch ‘beeping’. Adjectives and adverbs should be used sparingly, I believe. Unless they are containing absolutely necessary info, their use – and overuse- tend to add drag to the read.
something leavens:
I’d like to know here what is being leavened. It will lend direction to the readers’ thought which I think is currently missing. I think it needs to be alluded: leavens fear? Leavens despair? What needs leavening? Obviously what follows is the catalyst.
this child's smile,
their delight in fairy dresses.
Who is the pronoun ‘their’ refering to to? ‘Their’ is plural. The only preceeding noun is ‘child’. Singular. Changing the preceeding line to something like ‘the childrens’ smiles’ world correct that, and make the preceeding line a bit smoother. Or perhaps change this line to ‘her delight in fairy dresses’. Or ‘his delight in fairy dresses.’ if you’re looking to make a statement or observation on today's society. .
The way a girl both tall and beautiful
still bows her head.
So there’s something uplifting about the way a beautiful girl bows her head in what? Deference? Fear? There could almost be something about this slightly dark, or intimate. Is she one whom Baudelaire would desire to conquer? Just wondering, not being critical. I really like the imagery. Perhaps commas after girl and beautiful to force the reader to pause appropriately at those points. Your call.
There's a sadness in the world
I’d drop the ‘a’ for the same reason as in S1.
that Baudelaire remarked
which
makes the beautiful more beautiful.
The line drags a bit for me. Which makes the beautiful [even] more so. Might leave out ‘even.
Somehow the following stanza doesn’t connect to the setup, for me. Showing the contrast eliminates the need to say ‘a contrast’. The excessive (imo) use of line breaks at the end adds nothing, only serves to weaken what should be the first strongest line in the piece.
A longing, a yearning for the view of distant places.
A contrast, the stain of whores collapsing,
heroin fixed.
Feels contrived.
A baby's pure eyes.
Don’t need the modification...
This pencil trying to
record it all.
Perhaps a little restructuring. Going directly to the ugly will create the contrast from the previous ’beautiful’ line.
The stain of collapsed whores
A baby’s eyes
A yearning for the view of distant places
This pencil trying to record them.
Perhaps one more line of ugliness after ‘ a baby’s eyes’ would flesh out the stanza a bit more. Homeless city or something.
Looking forward to what you do with this.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot