Endeavour

[Knot]

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Hi Ross,
not convinced by the title (suspect I'm missing the reference)
but the opening drew me in.


In the snarling stations,
- strong opening
the beeping anger of the traffic's tide,
-'beeping' after 'snarling' just seems feeble.
something leavens:
- do you need this line? 'Something' adds nothing.
this child's smile.
- could leave a space here.
Their delight in fairy dresses.
- not sure 'their' is necessary (or correct after 'this child').
The way a girl both tall and beautiful
- perhaps 'How' for 'the way' ?
bows her head.

There's a sadness in the world
Baudelaire said, which makes the beautiful
more beautiful.
A longing, a yearning like the view of distant places.
- 'A longing' and 'a yearning' ?
Should it be 'for' instead of 'like' ?
A contrast:
- I don't think you need this, the preceding lines establish
the 'contrast'.
the stain of whores collapsing, heroin fixed.
- is there a way that this could be reworked as if it was
a dark mirror image of S1, L6/7 ? Or vice versa?
A baby's pure eyes.
- this seems a bit much after 'child's smile'
(made me think of the baby in Trainspotting).
This pencil trying
- 'pencil' seems weak, why not the more permanent 'pen'?
to record
it all.


Best, Knot.



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