06-20-2019, 04:19 AM
Thanks Paul
As for the syllable count, I adopted a 4-6-4 pattern a long time ago, based upon the iambic nature of the English language. Personally, I just feel it flows better, in general. I realize many accept the syllable counts as flexible in English, but I like working within the confines of parameters. Makes me think and work harder lol.
As for the cut, I mostly like the volte feel at the end. This started out as the senryu S1, then got curious if I could extend the metaphor. I’ve some thoughts on modifications, including changing the location of cuts, but wanted to hear from others first. Your grammatical reading is what I intended, but I’ve considered changing the location of the cut in that stanza to the end of L1, if only to break up the pattern I’d established unconsciously. That would change the imagery from the rabbit hiding from fear, to fox using the mist ascover. Both work, I think, for my purposes.
I appreciate the comments, and I’ll have a hard copy of your post in hand when I look at revisions. Thanks for taking the time.,
Also, I put the dashes at the beginning of the line because I think it creates a better visual separation, tabbing the line to the right. I think it forces the caesura there a bit better. That’s all.
As for the syllable count, I adopted a 4-6-4 pattern a long time ago, based upon the iambic nature of the English language. Personally, I just feel it flows better, in general. I realize many accept the syllable counts as flexible in English, but I like working within the confines of parameters. Makes me think and work harder lol.
As for the cut, I mostly like the volte feel at the end. This started out as the senryu S1, then got curious if I could extend the metaphor. I’ve some thoughts on modifications, including changing the location of cuts, but wanted to hear from others first. Your grammatical reading is what I intended, but I’ve considered changing the location of the cut in that stanza to the end of L1, if only to break up the pattern I’d established unconsciously. That would change the imagery from the rabbit hiding from fear, to fox using the mist ascover. Both work, I think, for my purposes.
I appreciate the comments, and I’ll have a hard copy of your post in hand when I look at revisions. Thanks for taking the time.,
Also, I put the dashes at the beginning of the line because I think it creates a better visual separation, tabbing the line to the right. I think it forces the caesura there a bit better. That’s all.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot