06-19-2019, 03:23 PM
I realize the original was posted years ago, but since the OP posted recent revisions, I thought I’d toss my $.02 in. Kim new here, so if I seem too intense for Intensive Crits Forum, please tell me.
Thoughout, I feel a lot of modifiers are overly used, primarily for the purpose of making the meter. If the adjective or adverb isn’t 100% necessary, it could be seen as metrical filler. For the most part, lines are partially or fully end-stopped, so the meter intrudes on the reading.
TaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUM (stop/pause)
TaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUM (stop/pause)
S2 seems a breath of fresh air in comparison to the other two stanzas. It would work well as a stand alone poem. The phrases flow smoothly from line to line, so the meter doesn’t intrude on the reading, and there seems to be less over-modification of verbs and nouns; more natural writing. Since poetry is an oral art, I feel anything that draws unnecessary attention to the poem’s structure damages the effect it has upon the listener.
Sorry if this seems like a fly-by crit, but it’s late. If you would like specific examples from your lines I could add more tomorrow.
Thoughout, I feel a lot of modifiers are overly used, primarily for the purpose of making the meter. If the adjective or adverb isn’t 100% necessary, it could be seen as metrical filler. For the most part, lines are partially or fully end-stopped, so the meter intrudes on the reading.
TaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUM (stop/pause)
TaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUMtaDUM (stop/pause)
S2 seems a breath of fresh air in comparison to the other two stanzas. It would work well as a stand alone poem. The phrases flow smoothly from line to line, so the meter doesn’t intrude on the reading, and there seems to be less over-modification of verbs and nouns; more natural writing. Since poetry is an oral art, I feel anything that draws unnecessary attention to the poem’s structure damages the effect it has upon the listener.
Sorry if this seems like a fly-by crit, but it’s late. If you would like specific examples from your lines I could add more tomorrow.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot