06-09-2019, 12:04 PM
Taken some more time to finally complete a few edits I'm satisfied with. Still trying to work out a few bits for S1 and S3 -- some parts are likely to change and some are likely to never change, but here's a little summary.
S1
"dark / and dreary days" -> "dark / approaching tide" which helps introduce the impending flood, rather than suggest an already established and prolonged darkness.
S2
"with gaseous glow of neon embers, bright." -> "that raise an acid storm to record height." which should help some of the duality slightly, along with discarding the ill-fitting neon description of embers and the lazy insertion of 'bright.'
S3
"they couldn’t wipe the stain of mortal sin." -> "they couldn’t clear the air of smokey doom." more concrete, less abstract. permits an adjusted rhyme in L4. Again, hopefully lends to the duality.
"...was set. And what..." -> "...was set – and what..." visual cue
"A line before the curtain-closing spin." -> "A line between the times of womb and tomb." removes the out-of-place image, redirects toward the tomb, hopefully solidifies the line image.
"His wisdom slowly grew on me like moss" -> "His word and wisdom grew on me like moss" just sounded better.
"Eternal stars alone will hold her song." -> "and even pen could never hold her song." fights some overly romantic sentiments, but currently goes against the initial conclusion of the inscription. I'll still be working on this portion.
S1
"dark / and dreary days" -> "dark / approaching tide" which helps introduce the impending flood, rather than suggest an already established and prolonged darkness.
S2
"with gaseous glow of neon embers, bright." -> "that raise an acid storm to record height." which should help some of the duality slightly, along with discarding the ill-fitting neon description of embers and the lazy insertion of 'bright.'
S3
"they couldn’t wipe the stain of mortal sin." -> "they couldn’t clear the air of smokey doom." more concrete, less abstract. permits an adjusted rhyme in L4. Again, hopefully lends to the duality.
"...was set. And what..." -> "...was set – and what..." visual cue
"A line before the curtain-closing spin." -> "A line between the times of womb and tomb." removes the out-of-place image, redirects toward the tomb, hopefully solidifies the line image.
"His wisdom slowly grew on me like moss" -> "His word and wisdom grew on me like moss" just sounded better.
"Eternal stars alone will hold her song." -> "and even pen could never hold her song." fights some overly romantic sentiments, but currently goes against the initial conclusion of the inscription. I'll still be working on this portion.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona