Epilogue (Edit #1)

[billy]

hi useless, nope scrub that it doesn't sound good; hi blueprint.
the main part of the poem which is the juxtaposition of the obit and real life memories works really well. they play off each other almost perfectly. a few ideas below.

i like the poem a lot becuse [see my feedback in poem] that said, i think you could flesh it out with a couple more stanza; possibly allude to her death. i'm getting murder but it could have been a cliff dive or car accident. an odd simile or a metaphor or two would help better create the emotion of the story teller.

I have no attachment to this, so please be as critical as possible.

Reading the obituary is much softer solid original opening line than has already made want to continue.
than swinging our front door open
and seeing her once perfect face
dripping blood, nose cracked sideways
and her brown eyes emptied of life. i like the stark contrast of the rest of this stanza with the opening line. what i would like to see is the how and the why of these images.

The obituary is easier than a phone call
from the police
at the darkest hour this line is probably my only negative comment; it reads as cliche specially in conjunction with [of night]
of night, voices cold as her flesh the later part of this line is a good image. it's has though the voice has to be so cold; to not be would make the voice less understanding.
because they've only seen her finale,
not the whole film.

Writing her obituary is like
skipping the last five chapters
of another person's book
and attempting an epilogue
to a story that never ended. a solid ending that leaves me wanting to read those missing chapters.