05-30-2019, 02:05 AM
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Hi UB,
the revision is a definite improvement, though I agree with billy,
there's still room to do some pruning (in addition to those he
mentioned). Have you thought of splitting it up into three line
verses?
Little Sailboat
- I think you could give some thought to the title, especially
as it is repeated immediately in the opening line. Or cut
'little sailboat' from L1 and describe it. (Do you happen to
know the type of sailboat?)
Little sailboat moored
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed
- happy to be corrected, but should it be 'on a' rather than 'in'?
(you could cut 'your', saving the reveal until L4).
and wind seldom blows across this mirror.
- don't think the 'and' works. Maybe 'the' or 'for'
(depending on why the sail is stowed)
You could argue that 'mirror' is implied by 'man-made lake'
and 'wind seldom blows', in which case do you need it, or
is there something better available?
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
- 'epic tour' is a bit weak, given the Med wouldn't the
boast be of an odyssey? Or the tour 'grand' ?
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause -
- might be more interesting without 'pause'.
floating in aged circles, recalling
- perhaps 'to float' ? Would a 'moored' boat float
in circles'? (Especially if there's no wind) Any way to get
'Maine' into the piece, or would it distract/detract?
the whispers of the Mediterranean.
Now you're lost
between mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
- maybe 'longing' for 'praying'?
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr
- 'a wave' rather than 'or wave' ?
will ever carry you back.
- good ending, but I think 'no rogue zephyr' lets
it down. It's just a repeat of 'breeze'. Might be worth
looking at rephrasing some of the end lines to reflect,
more particularly, the sailboat.
Just a suggestion
longing for your sails to fill,
to bear away, but no ocean swell
will ever carry you back.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi UB,
the revision is a definite improvement, though I agree with billy,
there's still room to do some pruning (in addition to those he
mentioned). Have you thought of splitting it up into three line
verses?
Little Sailboat
- I think you could give some thought to the title, especially
as it is repeated immediately in the opening line. Or cut
'little sailboat' from L1 and describe it. (Do you happen to
know the type of sailboat?)
Little sailboat moored
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed
- happy to be corrected, but should it be 'on a' rather than 'in'?
(you could cut 'your', saving the reveal until L4).
and wind seldom blows across this mirror.
- don't think the 'and' works. Maybe 'the' or 'for'
(depending on why the sail is stowed)
You could argue that 'mirror' is implied by 'man-made lake'
and 'wind seldom blows', in which case do you need it, or
is there something better available?
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
- 'epic tour' is a bit weak, given the Med wouldn't the
boast be of an odyssey? Or the tour 'grand' ?
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause -
- might be more interesting without 'pause'.
floating in aged circles, recalling
- perhaps 'to float' ? Would a 'moored' boat float
in circles'? (Especially if there's no wind) Any way to get
'Maine' into the piece, or would it distract/detract?
the whispers of the Mediterranean.
Now you're lost
between mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
- maybe 'longing' for 'praying'?
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr
- 'a wave' rather than 'or wave' ?
will ever carry you back.
- good ending, but I think 'no rogue zephyr' lets
it down. It's just a repeat of 'breeze'. Might be worth
looking at rephrasing some of the end lines to reflect,
more particularly, the sailboat.
Just a suggestion
longing for your sails to fill,
to bear away, but no ocean swell
will ever carry you back.
Best, Knot.
.