Second poem, more poemy

[billy]

many of the lines are cliche, try and swap them out for original ideas.

apart from the clichés i see the person as a surgeon not a dermatologist. my suggestion is keep the idea and lose all the cliche's for fresh images of the same things, i'd also suggest fleshing it out and keeping the twist at the end. use simile to create images.
my fist clenched like a mouthful of lockjaw

or metaphor;

my fist; a closed bear-trap. you can use anything as long as it's related to the thought.

Still working on revising my first poem based on your recommendations. Meanwhile here's a second that is more poemy.



Sharp


Sharp


he pulls a knife

my life in his hands

my fists clenched
no defence

cuts deep
repeats

my blood flows
till he cauterizes and sews

dermatologist