My first poem for critique - Dichotomy

[Todd]

Bob, welcome to the site! So, yes you've written something non-poemy. Some comments below:


Dichotomy


i bare my soul--the problem with using no poetic elements is that you run the risk of just making flat statements without any emotive power (which you can usually get from imagery and metaphor). I'm not saying you need to add the elements but I bare my soul comes off flat and slightly melodramatic and somewhat cliche. The statement is not enough. You need to use some incident to demonstrate this baring of the soul. What can you do to show this?
tell you
i care for you so much--again a flat statement telling me not showing me.
that i'm willing to let you go--this is again slightly cliche if you love them let them go. You can escape this with less flat reportage.
because that's what you need
denying my own need--again this is one layer above where it should be. We have this abstract need but nothing concrete to specify it.
for you

you reply
“I'm touched”--again reportage misses opportunities to show by the activity what the person actually thinks
Then tell me
about a video game
you are no longer playing
and how its helped you
be more productive
[/quote]

Just some thoughts. Hope they are helpful.

Best,

Todd