05-24-2019, 01:43 PM
Hi Bob, first off; thanks for the feedback you're doing and the posting.
2nd, the poem:
the poem does tell us of a dichotomy of sort; the problem is it tells us of a dichotomy. the 1st stanza comes across as pretty weak, too weak for a dichotomy. while the 2nd stanza is better, it's still very weak. the metaphor/simile/imagery you didn't use, you need.at present we're listening to you tell us the poem. we want to see it.
the 1st stanza can be shown as;
i care for you but i may leave you if you don't change.
the 2nd;
you're still the same but lying about the fact.
imagery can expand an feeling or emotion. for example;
i bare my soul like gorilla bares its chest
though [i bare my soul] is a cliche. watch out for cliche, the first stanza is arguably one. make what you write original. don't be despondent, the idea is a good one. from it you can edit what you have into a good poem.
2nd, the poem:
the poem does tell us of a dichotomy of sort; the problem is it tells us of a dichotomy. the 1st stanza comes across as pretty weak, too weak for a dichotomy. while the 2nd stanza is better, it's still very weak. the metaphor/simile/imagery you didn't use, you need.at present we're listening to you tell us the poem. we want to see it.
the 1st stanza can be shown as;
i care for you but i may leave you if you don't change.
the 2nd;
you're still the same but lying about the fact.
imagery can expand an feeling or emotion. for example;
i bare my soul like gorilla bares its chest
though [i bare my soul] is a cliche. watch out for cliche, the first stanza is arguably one. make what you write original. don't be despondent, the idea is a good one. from it you can edit what you have into a good poem.
(05-24-2019, 06:50 AM)Cbobgo Wrote: Hi everyone just joined yesterday and have been enjoying reading everyone's poems and critiques. Here's my first one, don't hold back.
It's my least poem-y poem - no flowery language, no metaphors, no rhymes. But it seems to work.
I'm considering adding a 3rd stanza, with character 1's reponse to character 2. But it seems pretty obvious and not necessary to spell it out.
What do you think?
Dichotomy
i bare my soul
tell you
i care for you so much
that i'm willing to let you go
because that's what you need
denying my own need
for you
you reply
“I'm touched”
Then tell me
about a video game
you are no longer playing
and how its helped you
be more productive