05-24-2019, 09:21 AM
In another thread, you call yourself "a story teller in rhymes" which helps to make your intent a little more clear and helps me to understand how to view the rhymes here.
What I like: the story plays out well enough, and you don't keep yourself to an overly-rigid structure for this piece. The separation of your strophes isn't forced into an artificial consistency, which I enjoy.
What I don't like: inconsistent meter makes the rhymes feel burdensome. I can often forgive a small break of one or two syllables, especially when sung with music, but it's just far too inconsistent here. Also, the lines themselves are often full sentences or clauses. This results in hard stops within each stanza that break the flow of the rhyme. In some cases I had to force myself into forgetting the rhyme so I wouldn't be jarred by the flow of the stanza.
Storytelling like this doesn't seem to make a big enough show on this forum. I'd like to see more folky, blue-grassy storytelling in the future.
What I like: the story plays out well enough, and you don't keep yourself to an overly-rigid structure for this piece. The separation of your strophes isn't forced into an artificial consistency, which I enjoy.
What I don't like: inconsistent meter makes the rhymes feel burdensome. I can often forgive a small break of one or two syllables, especially when sung with music, but it's just far too inconsistent here. Also, the lines themselves are often full sentences or clauses. This results in hard stops within each stanza that break the flow of the rhyme. In some cases I had to force myself into forgetting the rhyme so I wouldn't be jarred by the flow of the stanza.
Storytelling like this doesn't seem to make a big enough show on this forum. I'd like to see more folky, blue-grassy storytelling in the future.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona