05-24-2019, 09:06 AM
Poem-y things are generally what makes a poem, well, poetry.
I'll leave some review of the content aside for now, and only focus some technical items.
Poetry does not value wasted space, and you haven't used much space at all, which is good. That said, I still think that the use of space here is not very efficient.
I tend to nitpick over line-breaks. Every line-break needs a reason, not just because it "feels right" or something like that. If those are the reasons to start a new line, it might as well be all a single line. You'll find differing opinions over that, but I get completely distracted by excessive line-breaks that don't add poetic value.
Punctuation and some consistent capitalization might be helpful, especially in your first four lines.
And lastly, it might help to include some "poem-y" things. It fills the space with more valuable meat, letting you trim out the excess fat without losing any weight.
I'll leave some review of the content aside for now, and only focus some technical items.
Poetry does not value wasted space, and you haven't used much space at all, which is good. That said, I still think that the use of space here is not very efficient.
I tend to nitpick over line-breaks. Every line-break needs a reason, not just because it "feels right" or something like that. If those are the reasons to start a new line, it might as well be all a single line. You'll find differing opinions over that, but I get completely distracted by excessive line-breaks that don't add poetic value.
Punctuation and some consistent capitalization might be helpful, especially in your first four lines.
And lastly, it might help to include some "poem-y" things. It fills the space with more valuable meat, letting you trim out the excess fat without losing any weight.
(05-24-2019, 06:50 AM)Cbobgo Wrote: Hi everyone just joined yesterday and have been enjoying reading everyone's poems and critiques. Here's my first one, don't hold back.
It's my least poem-y poem - no flowery language, no metaphors, no rhymes. But it seems to work.
I'm considering adding a 3rd stanza, with character 1's reponse to character 2. But it seems pretty obvious and not necessary to spell it out.
What do you think?
Dichotomy
i bare my soul
tell you
i care for you so much
that i'm willing to let you go
because that's what you need
denying my own need
for you
you reply
“I'm touched”
Then tell me
about a video game
you are no longer playing
and how its helped you
be more productive
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona