05-17-2019, 12:27 PM
Taking all into consideration here, I have a few questions.
Would the poem benefit from a fairly straight and blunt sentence about what the blue lights are? It seems too unconnected to simply say "They've installed blue lights to keep more jumpers away."
Regarding busker's reply: which part is suggesting to you that Paul's family is alive and grieving? It's certainly not want I intended. Would it be clearer and justifiable to say "When Paul buried his family" instead? Or more bluntly, "When Paul's family had died"? I think his motivation for suicide matters, especially since it was known in that case, so I don't want to remove it.
Regarding Knot's reply: I'm also not too fond of my delivery for Carlos being young. The kid was in his mid-teens, and I feel that the current delivery undermines his actions. Not that I want to elevate his decision at all, but his precise motivation was unknown -- or undisclosed -- so I don't want to blindly dismiss it as a juvenile mistake. I'd also like to draw a little more on the idea that he may have survived the initial impact, at least enough to maintain the motor function to curl into a fetal position. If you have any ideas on that, I'd love to hear them. Yeah, it is heavy. (Side note: "other side of the station" means, as it says, of the station. That said, I hope you also think of the proverbial "other side")
Would the poem benefit from a fairly straight and blunt sentence about what the blue lights are? It seems too unconnected to simply say "They've installed blue lights to keep more jumpers away."
Regarding busker's reply: which part is suggesting to you that Paul's family is alive and grieving? It's certainly not want I intended. Would it be clearer and justifiable to say "When Paul buried his family" instead? Or more bluntly, "When Paul's family had died"? I think his motivation for suicide matters, especially since it was known in that case, so I don't want to remove it.
Regarding Knot's reply: I'm also not too fond of my delivery for Carlos being young. The kid was in his mid-teens, and I feel that the current delivery undermines his actions. Not that I want to elevate his decision at all, but his precise motivation was unknown -- or undisclosed -- so I don't want to blindly dismiss it as a juvenile mistake. I'd also like to draw a little more on the idea that he may have survived the initial impact, at least enough to maintain the motor function to curl into a fetal position. If you have any ideas on that, I'd love to hear them. Yeah, it is heavy. (Side note: "other side of the station" means, as it says, of the station. That said, I hope you also think of the proverbial "other side")
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona