Blue Lights (Edit #2)

[Knot]

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Hi UB,
intriguing read. Like the tone, but even with the changes,
were it not for your explanation, I'd think the blue lights
were those of emergency vehicles.

Just a thought on enjambments for S1,
I walk my dog along these same streets
every day. But today
where I always turn right,
we veer left.
and perhaps change the last 'I 'to 'we', then
return to 'I' in S2?

Is there a better way to say Carlos was young
than 'like the child he was'? It seems a little
heavy handed.

Agree with duke about the 'and' S3/L4.
But I wonder if some piece of him
remains. Between the stones
or in the air ?
Does the 'other side' mean of the tracks?
Or is it the 'other/far end' ?

'When Paul's family became ashes'
this also seems a little heavy, not in the
'conversational' tone as the rest of the piece.
Maybe
After Paul cremated his family,
after his body betrayed him,
after everything, he walked ... ?

Think you could trim the final verse a bit:
My dog sniffs the rails, the ballast,
lifts his leg to piss.
(unless the dog could be pissing on either
the 'signs or hotlines' you mentioned).
Alternatively it could be pissing on the 'wet ground'.


Best, Knot.


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