Blue Lights (Edit #2)
#4
(05-13-2019, 01:30 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote:  I walk my dog along these same streets every day.
But today, where I always turn right,
I veer left.

We stroll past the spot
where they found Carlos last night,
bloody, but held together --
curled up like a baby --
like the child he was.

When Paul’s family became ashes the changes here support your narrative, including the "station" reveal, and by making it apparent that the narrator knew Paul, or knew of him
and his body betrayed him,
he walked to the other side of the station
and the cleaners power-washed his parts away. just a thought - "where" instead of "and" here?
But I wonder if some piece of him good solution to the juggling act of "pieces," "parts," and "apart" without repeating or near-rhyming
still remains there
in the air
or between the stones.

My dog sniffs the rails and ballast,
then lifts his leg to piss
on the ground.


I walk my dog along these same streets every day.
But today, where I always turn right,
I veer left.

We stroll past the spot
where they found Carlos last night,
bloody, but held together and
curled up like a baby.
Four years ago, a thousand feet north,
Paul’s body broke apart
and they washed it away.
But I wonder if some part of him
still remains there
in the air
or between the stones.

My dog sniffs the rails and ballast,
then lifts his leg to piss
on the ground.
Good edit. I can now see "blue" in the title as a mood suggestion, though I still don't find the connection with those warning lights because I didn't know about them.  Is there any way to connect them to the body of the poem - "where there are now blue lights," but more elegantly? (other side of the station) shadowed by blue lights?

Sorry for the delay in responding to your edit - hoped someone else would also join in.  It's a striking concept.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
Blue Lights (Edit #2) - by UselessBlueprint - 05-13-2019, 01:30 PM
RE: Blue Lights - by dukealien - 05-14-2019, 04:37 AM
RE: Blue Lights - by UselessBlueprint - 05-14-2019, 10:37 AM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by dukealien - 05-16-2019, 08:59 PM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by Knot - 05-16-2019, 11:33 PM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by busker - 05-17-2019, 05:32 AM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by UselessBlueprint - 05-17-2019, 12:27 PM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by Knot - 05-18-2019, 08:13 PM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by Richard - 05-18-2019, 10:14 PM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by billy - 05-19-2019, 12:33 PM
RE: Blue Lights (Edit #1) - by UselessBlueprint - 05-19-2019, 01:31 PM



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