05-04-2019, 01:48 PM
I think it has improved, and now sits closer to the idea of rebellion than your previous version. You begin very strong, up to "To win this war that was waged". After that, the rhyme does feel somewhat forced and the poem itself becomes wordy, as billy mentioned. Good rhymes don't always come easy, but a piece like this can make for good practice. I think the length of your poem and your chosen rhyme scheme will make the rhymes more challenging (ABAB carries a nice rhythm while something like xAxA is more flexible), but try not to view rhyming as a cage that restricts -- it's a tool that helps people remember your poem.
You also use the word "kids" pretty often. When referring to them as victims, it works to incite a certain pathos in the reader -- but when you refer to a rebel as 'kid' it diminishes their cause and their fight. In those cases, you might want to consider some of the other terms you used, such as students.
You also use the word "kids" pretty often. When referring to them as victims, it works to incite a certain pathos in the reader -- but when you refer to a rebel as 'kid' it diminishes their cause and their fight. In those cases, you might want to consider some of the other terms you used, such as students.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona