05-03-2019, 09:34 PM
Primarily, I don't see much reason for most of your line breaks. It's one of my bigger issues with free verse, and I've mentioned it before, but I consider line breaks to be important. In free verse, they often feel artificial and misjudged, and I get a bit of both in this case. I know that the sight of long lines can be intimidating to readers, but I personally prefer it to an aimlessly broken verse. I can perceive pauses in speech as I read, but no separation of thought, which I'd prefer to see. Interestingly, I think my argument against the line breaks probably stems from my second criticism, which is that I don't see any significant use of language here. Most of it feels like disguised narrative. There's some imagery -- not much, but enough that I don't have any criticism against it. But the images and tone of the poem don't seem to reflect the mood of the narrative itself. I don't read of it with echoes of a shaky voice or a phone conversation. That's where I think some manipulation of the language would help. I want the content of the poem echoed in the language, not just some images within a narrative.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona