05-03-2019, 11:48 AM
hi richard. i really liked this but do see room for a few changes in the edit. at first the opening line felt weak but after a few reads it felt stronger. i do think your first stanza break could be after years on line 3, those first 3 lines sort of set the poem off. the poem feels very personal and it does match the title. i think you could trim or change some of the you's. all in all, it's a very readable poem that holds the reader. the middle section comes quick enough and lasts long enough to engage me till the end.
(05-03-2019, 07:36 AM)Richard Wrote: The Morning After
Your shaky hello
the first callback I had
in years.
You forgot your cellphone
on my nightstand,
only to be answered by the same mouth
you kissed goodbye
a few hours ago.
You thanked me by asking me to dinner,
and what was supposed
to be just one more night,
turned into more.
Years drained into a one-way
conversation, going on until
I stopped to notice you had stopped no need for stopped to, it reads as filler, i noticed might suffice instead.
long before me;
your phone stolen by your lover,
who never got an infection
from a caesarean, i like these lines. theres' pain and regret all rolled into one with a little hatred.
who didn’t know your children’s names,
who’s voice nervously crawled
out from her throat
as I said hello.
Silence should have been our ringtone,
it could have saved us
so much more.
-From NaPM 2019