04-25-2019, 01:30 PM
(04-25-2019, 07:58 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote: A walk in the rainSo you've got a lot more imagery here, which is good. I do think there's a weird mix between internal monologue and a personal narrative. Still could use a little trimming/condensing. I know that once you've written something you don't like to see people cut away words, so I won't highlight it for you here - at least not now.
The dirt road was thawed and soft under our shoes.
Are we walking into a horror movie or worse
to the dark part of my mind?
Fog creeps up from the water, it crawls through the trees
shrouding us from anything beyond the road.
Dismal grey clouds blanket the sky as though the sun
pulled them over it's head and refused to shine.
Our conversation cuts through the eerie air around us.
I don't know why, but I don't mind answering questions
that usually require liquor before they slip from my lips.
My thoughts are racing now. They're churning
like the melted snow barreling down overflowing streams.
I want to pull out my phone and write them all down
before these happy thoughts get washed away.
That would be rude, so I don't.
In this moment, I stay present by your side.
Aware that it is not cold enough to shiver,
nor is it warm enough to be wearing a t-shirt, but I am comfortable.
The rain starts to fall in it's usual miserable manner.
This time not soaking my spirit in sorrow,
Rather in a cold joy, that cuts through a bad perspective.
Though I want to go change my clothes
ItIs raining harder now. // ItIs -> It's / It is (just a nit)
I know this was necessary to change my mind.
S1 has some sentence structure issues. Generally, questions are rhetorical, not poetic, especially in the very beginning of a piece. Whatever the answer is supposed to be, write that. The "Fog creeps up ... beyond the road" sentence gives me a strange vibe (or perhaps I'm just resistant to the idea of those lines, I can explain specifically if requested).
S2 starts great, with only a few minor tweaks needed IMO, but the last three lines seem a bit weak. Specifically, I feel like they try to convey emotions that don't have a place anywhere else in the poem.
S3 has more sentence structure issues, and fails to build up to the final line as much as I think it should.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona