04-12-2019, 01:20 AM
[quote="billy" pid='244862' dateline='1552551322']
!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.
In The Woods
The under-brush was strong An unusually accurate observation
with briar biting at my ankles. Anthropomorphicity could possibly be expanded or contracted here
Beech saplings, silent Only a steady rustle can be heard here. Your "silence" still makes the slightest sound.
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy. This alludes to a hybrid philosophy: Darwinian Theism, perhaps
Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead Try to exchange: 'spattered' for 'mottled' and build more alliteration into the poem, or just trade those out
in a ray of moted-haze.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.
Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair, Chairs generally pre-clude or symbolize judgement. The last line of the poem, should weigh out the substance of this granite. Also you should keep tenses consistent, "took me to a granite chair"
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me The image suggests that nature is gleaning illuminescence from you in the afternoon exchange: the last line should fill out this expected revelation
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. Here: "With Mycenean rest (coming from the granite) I reposed With full slumber
[Pre Verse]
I really liked 'aplomb' from the original pre-verse poem. Although waltzing can lead to abandonment, the word anticipates coattails perhaps in a more tidy way then 'abandon'. One has aplomb when clothed in coat-tails, whereas it is difficult to feel abandoned when trussed out in such a fashion.
This poem knocks me down with its directness and feeling of strength and vitality. It conveys various sensations of solidity and sinuosity: the cellular and corpuscular structure of natural things alongside the complementarity of nature's imminent and inherent usefulness. I always like encountering poems that force me to remember and think on the very same kind of encounters that a poet or natural writer has when out for a walk.
!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.
In The Woods
The under-brush was strong An unusually accurate observation
with briar biting at my ankles. Anthropomorphicity could possibly be expanded or contracted here
Beech saplings, silent Only a steady rustle can be heard here. Your "silence" still makes the slightest sound.
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy. This alludes to a hybrid philosophy: Darwinian Theism, perhaps
Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead Try to exchange: 'spattered' for 'mottled' and build more alliteration into the poem, or just trade those out
in a ray of moted-haze.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.
Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair, Chairs generally pre-clude or symbolize judgement. The last line of the poem, should weigh out the substance of this granite. Also you should keep tenses consistent, "took me to a granite chair"
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me The image suggests that nature is gleaning illuminescence from you in the afternoon exchange: the last line should fill out this expected revelation
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. Here: "With Mycenean rest (coming from the granite) I reposed With full slumber
[Pre Verse]
I really liked 'aplomb' from the original pre-verse poem. Although waltzing can lead to abandonment, the word anticipates coattails perhaps in a more tidy way then 'abandon'. One has aplomb when clothed in coat-tails, whereas it is difficult to feel abandoned when trussed out in such a fashion.
This poem knocks me down with its directness and feeling of strength and vitality. It conveys various sensations of solidity and sinuosity: the cellular and corpuscular structure of natural things alongside the complementarity of nature's imminent and inherent usefulness. I always like encountering poems that force me to remember and think on the very same kind of encounters that a poet or natural writer has when out for a walk.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering