Price of Fame

[billy]

hi windsor, i see you want extended feedback, you'll probably get what you give regarding feedback so try and give full feedback elsewhere

the poem as potential.

you have a few cliches in the poem, i'm not sure the [go ahead] add anything to the poem and in my view they weaken the anger of the piece. as it's in basic i didn't continue, but you can continue through the poem looking for similar instances. there are lines and words you can remove and in doing improve the poem, lines like this; for which lessons lie await in imminence. verbiage weakens anger. often good poetry is about good word choice. thanks for the read.

Go ahead
Torch my skin with your words,
sparks racing to set my soul on flames soul is a well overused word
Excavate my past, scurry lustily for words spoken or silenced the line starts strong and ends weak, use a simile or metaphor [lustily like...]
Shred them, scatter into lines feebly ringed with a truth again, it's a perfect line for some imagery [scatter like...an example; scatter like seeds into falsehoods
your eyes wish to see. this line feels like filler it's a given and therefore not needed.
Watch me fall, eyes swollen with tears, face ashen
Celebrate your satisfaction
Fleeting but fiendish
While I tape together words reeking of apologies,
wearily step down the rungs of a precarious ladder, or
plummet down chasms never-ending.
 
Scour the web for flashes of me in undress
Woefully blind and vulnerable
for which lessons lie await in imminence.
 
Go ahead
Follow me, tasked voyeurs with your glass lenses
fill your coffers and vapid booklets
with intimate slivers of my life
and flesh.
Sing paeans to my threads
to gloss over your wily sniggers
over my blemishes myriad shades less dark
than your schemes.