the last stanza reads to me as though from a female perspective, the first as though from a males. as usual i like the originality. i like how it holds up loneliness and shyness. there's also a hint of fear in there. some good images and a solid simile for the soil/eyes. thanks for the read.
(03-21-2019, 12:35 PM)Richard Wrote: Always Behind Closed Doors
I will never be curtains open
on a spring day, would a semi work better here?
dust particles lazily riding
streaks of sunlght to a rest; [sunlight]
glass warm against lonely palm. i like the opening stanza. it sets the scene
My windows are boarded up, nails would [windows boarded up...] work better. for me the my is already implied with the rest of the stanza
catch those nosey enough
to find make-believe monsters
in cracked foundations,
rotted front steps,
rusted door locks-
spare keys buried in a soil the [a] doesn't work for me though that could be my problem and not yours.
the same shade as your eyes. congrats on using a non cliche simile for eyes, soil works well here.
Our goodbyes just words, [just words] feels a little weak
the kiss lost next to nervous hands [next to] doesn't work for me, a suggestion would be [as are] and change who to that on the next line. just something to think about.
who play with lint inside pockets.
Our eye contact limited no need for our, the first one is still working
by good manners to ten seconds,
and as I count, I envision
you will build a mansion from fresh lumber,
curtains drawn everyday,
but closed each night.