03-20-2019, 02:45 PM
Hi xlaterus.
while you have some good imagery, i really like the first stanza as an opening. in 94 clinton banned assault weapons but i don't think it included shotguns so it can't be that. now i'm stumped. the poem is good enough to save and edit. the grammar seems good and it's cliche free, that alone make it worth editing. the last stanza feels a bit [lot] preachy and is more show than tell. for me as the reader i'd like to be able to connect with it more though that could be my problem and not yours.
while you have some good imagery, i really like the first stanza as an opening. in 94 clinton banned assault weapons but i don't think it included shotguns so it can't be that. now i'm stumped. the poem is good enough to save and edit. the grammar seems good and it's cliche free, that alone make it worth editing. the last stanza feels a bit [lot] preachy and is more show than tell. for me as the reader i'd like to be able to connect with it more though that could be my problem and not yours.
(03-15-2019, 11:26 AM)Xlateralus Wrote: On Desiring The Recreation Of The Freedom Of A Shotgun - 1994
Pins and needles scatter light
from crevices of sunshine crawling
through brown sacks of dust.
How many times can thirty
days be cast aside - secrets in a dresser
collected - regrets in a cigar box
unkept? i thought they were kept in a cigar box?
Pins and needles wage a fight
justified by love of self destruction -
stayed by the righteousness of life? this stanza doesn't add a lot to the poem