Sparks (version 2)

[Todd]

A few thoughts and observations for you below:

I like the structural choices you've made. I think an area that you should consider editing surrounds word choice. I don't think your choices are doing enough for you.

Sparks(1st Edit)

Dry, her seasoned brown eyes--I would consider having a period after dry making it a hard stop to mirror your other stanza openings. I'm not a fan of seasoned brown. It's a short poem, every word matters. I think these words do very little for you. Seasoned = she's experienced  brown = brown. This is a little telling and there's very little in the way of imagery here. Find an image that conveys seasoned and brown and also gives an emotional context. More imagery here.
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre--pyre is both good and bad here in my opinion. The good: it accommodates your rhyme. It also plays off of dry. It gives dry some context and promise.
yearning for the first lick of fire.--first lick is good sensual phrasing in the context.


Ignite. My burning gaze
was nothing more than a flicker
of strong sipped liquor.

Burn. Her smoking desire
raised alarms as she leaned into me.
Past fires that burned me to the third degree.--I like where you end with third degree but the past fires is a bit awkwardly phrased. I'd consider giving that a look.

Extinguish. I whispered windy words
that spanned the space between her and I
snuffing any sparks to make the romance die. --This is a bit too pat of a close. Look to come up with more interesting imagery to get to this point.

Just some thoughts to think about. I like elements of this and think that it can be developed nicely.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd