03-15-2019, 08:03 AM
(03-14-2019, 05:15 PM)billy Wrote: In The Woods
The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy. ....I think it'll read better without the personification. Just 'for space' should do.
Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets. ... this part of the poem reads like prose (sunlight.....droplets). Particularly 'spattered the small clearing ahead'. It really is just one sentence.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass. ...nice
Legs no longer bound, led me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me ....check spelling
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. ... the ending is rather sudden, and ending it on an ellipsis would make it somewhat similar to the unfinished in medias res ending of Hyperion. So end it on an ellipsis...