03-13-2019, 11:33 AM
hi peter.
the poem needs to pull the reader in. it's great that you did an edit. for me in doing so the poem lost a lot of the good stuff it had.
Close. Her arms held me tight....try a [held me like a ...] add imagery via metaphor or simile; held me like a snake...or chain....or something else just suggestions. you can step outside the box a little....held me like a silent movie
while my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.
apart from the cliche in the first line it's a pretty good, the last line has just enough ambiguity.
Distance. She leaned in and I out
All she needed was a whisper.
Damn, I should have kissed her.
another solid vignette.
this is a fair example of how you want to write your edit. as is you lost a lot of feeling changing these too much.
Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.
the first line feels like her eyes have been coated in herbs and spice, give it some depth. be outrageous if you wish.
after the first word in each verse us a colon or semi-colon as to indicate a change of direction.
the poem needs to pull the reader in. it's great that you did an edit. for me in doing so the poem lost a lot of the good stuff it had.
Close. Her arms held me tight....try a [held me like a ...] add imagery via metaphor or simile; held me like a snake...or chain....or something else just suggestions. you can step outside the box a little....held me like a silent movie
while my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.
apart from the cliche in the first line it's a pretty good, the last line has just enough ambiguity.
Distance. She leaned in and I out
All she needed was a whisper.
Damn, I should have kissed her.
another solid vignette.
this is a fair example of how you want to write your edit. as is you lost a lot of feeling changing these too much.
Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.
the first line feels like her eyes have been coated in herbs and spice, give it some depth. be outrageous if you wish.
after the first word in each verse us a colon or semi-colon as to indicate a change of direction.
(03-12-2019, 11:31 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote: I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!
Sparks(1st Edit)
Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.
Ignite. My burning gaze
was nothing more than a flicker
of strong sipped liquor.
Burn. Her smoking desire
raised alarms as she leaned into me.
Past fires that burned me to the third degree.
Extinguish. I whispered windy words
that spanned the space between her and I
snuffing any sparks to make the romance die.
Sparks(original)