03-12-2019, 03:43 PM
(03-12-2019, 11:31 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote: I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!
Sparks
Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire. ....I doubt if a pyre would yearn for a flame? It is not deficient in that department
Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker ...smoky, sparking, and flickering are related to fire and light, but constitute very different imagery and in this instance I don’t see them going with one another
Also, this is the only place where you have used enjambment. Maybe try it in the other strophes too for consistency
of something more than sipped liquor.
Close. Her arms held me tight
While my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.
Distance. She leaned in and I out.
All she needed was a whisper
Damn,I should have kissed her.
Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.
Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.