Sparks (version 2)

[billy]

hi peter first off, the poems are better without code as it allows for easier feedback . hopefully a couple of members will give you some helpful feedback here.

the poem, is comprised of tercets which can allow for change of direction and allow poems like the villanelle. the rhyme scheme needs working on. by all means use [eyes] as the end word of each first line or just use it once as it breaks the rhythm when used for 3 verse in a 6 verse poem.

beware of cliche: Her arms held me tight

watch out for forced rhyme. rhyme where we know or can easily guess what the next rhyme will be. try and stay away easily rhymed words and look for unusual rhyme.

I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!

Sparks

Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire. here you use flame and fire try and beef it up, and try the beefing up other lines [a suggestion for this one would be] word of choice here...of fire. as in howl of fire, blast of fire,

Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker
of something more than sipped liquor.

Close. Her arms held me tight
While my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.

Distance. She leaned in and I out.
All she needed was a whisper
Damn,I should have kissed her.

Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.

Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.