Sparks (version 2)

[P3t3rW1ll14m]

I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!

Sparks(1st Edit)

Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.

Ignite. My burning gaze
was nothing more than a flicker
of strong sipped liquor.

Burn. Her smoking desire
raised alarms as she leaned into me.
Past fires that burned me to the third degree.

Extinguish. I whispered windy words
that spanned the space between her and I
snuffing any sparks to make the romance die. 



Sparks(original)

Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire.

Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker
of something more than sipped liquor.

Close. Her arms held me tight
while my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.

Distance. She leaned in and I out
All she needed was a whisper.
Damn, I should have kissed her.

Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.

Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.