03-11-2019, 07:50 PM
.
Hi becca,
broadly in agreement with billy,
enjoyed the read but it seems to
lack a sharpness of focus to match
the tone. (The inconsistent punctuation
doesn't help either.)
over easy
- maybe cut this and take
the first five words as the title?
(In two minds on this, so take
with a pinch of salt. Would be
more certain if the poem ended
on 'over easy', then I'd stick
with your original title.)
I once wrote a poem
about fucking
I remember only pieces,
but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)
the last lines said[:]
- maybe 'its last lines were' ?
(Don't think this should be separate
from the following verse).
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
- why is this italicised? And should
there be an exclamation point after
the second now?
all this to say –
- 'say' after 'said' is a bit weak, could
'said' be 'read' ? Or, more simply replace
the line with 'so' ?
the morning after
when you asked
how do you want your eggs?
I was thinking
- was N thinking before the question
or because of it? Might work better with
'I thought of the chasm ...
of savouring ...
of you sleeping ...
... of your talk of ...
... of the whistling squeal ...
of whether I might relish ...
[or if I would] come to loathe it'
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
- like this, but the 'and' of 'and you slept' makes me
wonder how 'you asked'
and you slept,
and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned
- is 'goddamned' important? If not cut.
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
and of the whistling squeal in your laugh
and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
- not convinced by this verse, is it necessary?
It doesn't flow naturally out of the previous verse.
over easy
I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply
(Thinking about this, and your title,
I'd suggest cutting this verse entirely,
I think the reader could figure it out
on their own.)
Best, Knot.
.
Hi becca,
broadly in agreement with billy,
enjoyed the read but it seems to
lack a sharpness of focus to match
the tone. (The inconsistent punctuation
doesn't help either.)
over easy
- maybe cut this and take
the first five words as the title?
(In two minds on this, so take
with a pinch of salt. Would be
more certain if the poem ended
on 'over easy', then I'd stick
with your original title.)
I once wrote a poem
about fucking
I remember only pieces,
but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)
the last lines said[:]
- maybe 'its last lines were' ?
(Don't think this should be separate
from the following verse).
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
- why is this italicised? And should
there be an exclamation point after
the second now?
all this to say –
- 'say' after 'said' is a bit weak, could
'said' be 'read' ? Or, more simply replace
the line with 'so' ?
the morning after
when you asked
how do you want your eggs?
I was thinking
- was N thinking before the question
or because of it? Might work better with
'I thought of the chasm ...
of savouring ...
of you sleeping ...
... of your talk of ...
... of the whistling squeal ...
of whether I might relish ...
[or if I would] come to loathe it'
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
- like this, but the 'and' of 'and you slept' makes me
wonder how 'you asked'
and you slept,
and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned
- is 'goddamned' important? If not cut.
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
and of the whistling squeal in your laugh
and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
- not convinced by this verse, is it necessary?
It doesn't flow naturally out of the previous verse.
over easy
I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply
(Thinking about this, and your title,
I'd suggest cutting this verse entirely,
I think the reader could figure it out
on their own.)
Best, Knot.
.