03-10-2019, 01:05 PM
Hi Jack,
I like the idea of this poem, but I think it would be better with more exactness in the choice of words, and even in the meter.
Something so delicate as a bud -"something" is somewhat weak as a word, maybe let the bud be the subject rather than an object of comparison
Has the ability to grow into a flower. "can" could do the same work here as "has the ability to" - I'd let fewer words to the heavy lifting here so we can focus on the words that really carry the meaning
Emotion flowing over like a flood - "flows" rather than "flowing" would make this feel more immediate
Leads to who has the power.
Feelings help express
Everything held within. --"everything" is vague, I'd like a different word here
So we put on a facade to impress
Under the bottle of gin.
It makes them happy
At least that’s what they say.
For me it just leads to a crappy,
A very crappy day. -these last two lines are grammatically awkward, and it makes the end less powerful
I like the idea of this poem, but I think it would be better with more exactness in the choice of words, and even in the meter.
Something so delicate as a bud -"something" is somewhat weak as a word, maybe let the bud be the subject rather than an object of comparison
Has the ability to grow into a flower. "can" could do the same work here as "has the ability to" - I'd let fewer words to the heavy lifting here so we can focus on the words that really carry the meaning
Emotion flowing over like a flood - "flows" rather than "flowing" would make this feel more immediate
Leads to who has the power.
Feelings help express
Everything held within. --"everything" is vague, I'd like a different word here
So we put on a facade to impress
Under the bottle of gin.
It makes them happy
At least that’s what they say.
For me it just leads to a crappy,
A very crappy day. -these last two lines are grammatically awkward, and it makes the end less powerful