Friday poem

[Knot]

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Hi Deanna,
nice tone, nice idea - deserves a better title
Wouldn't change much (punctuation already
been mentioned) - just a couple of thoughts.


Shadow, you bad boy
took my golden away
He didn’t say why
just couldn’t stay
But he’ll make me go green in the spring

- some ambiguity over the referents of 'he',
'shadow/bad boy' and/or 'golden'

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
court you
marry you,
besotted, sweet golden and blue.

I reached out to catch the last rays of today
As you sailed away
west without me
places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree

- Don't think 'ray of today' , 'sailed' and 'places
to be' work, they all feel a little weak to me,
not how a tree might express such thoughts.
How about 'rootless and free' for 'places to be'
for instance? Also, second use of 'away'.


Best, Knot.

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