02-28-2019, 12:32 AM
Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! I'm going to be working on edits tonight, so this is all extremely helpful. A lot of you mentioned the issue of ambiguity in the poem, which is definitely something I often struggle with. I'm always hesitant to be too explicit/"in your face," but as a result, I tend towards the overly ambiguous. The idea of the 49th day is a Buddhist concept that I grew up with, and I considered prefacing the poem with some sort of quote or explanation, but I'm happy to see that everyone understood the general idea of what I wanted to carry across. I think there are definitely some aspects I can still make clearer, so I will play with that. To respond to specific people:
Billy: Thank you so much for the line-by-line feedback -- a lot to think about! The quatrain is meant to be a quatrain rather than two couplets -- I felt the urge to deviate from the form a bit there. And yes, I think there are definitely places where I was too murky/ambiguous, so I will play with those.
dukealien: Thank you! The line-by-line suggestions are very helpful. In terms of the ambiguity, there are some places earlier in the poem that I want to make clearer, but I was thinking of keeping the last line as is. You mention the last line is the most ambiguous, but did you mean that as ambiguous to the detriment of the poem, or as just a feature of that line?
Knot: Thanks for the feedback! The pond line felt weird to me too and I think you pinned down why. I also like the brevity and rhythm of your suggested version -- I might try and play around with the rhythm more in my edits. I agree that the end is anticlimactic; I'm planning on trying to make the earlier lines a little clearer in terms of narrative, and hopefully that helps the ending too.
busker: Thank you so much! As I mentioned at the top of this message, it's a reference to the Buddhist idea of 49 days after death. I wasn't too sure how well known or not this idea is (it's something I grew up with), but I'm hoping to make some elements of the poem clearer so that hopefully the title doesn't feel so arcane/ambiguous.
Billy: Thank you so much for the line-by-line feedback -- a lot to think about! The quatrain is meant to be a quatrain rather than two couplets -- I felt the urge to deviate from the form a bit there. And yes, I think there are definitely places where I was too murky/ambiguous, so I will play with those.
dukealien: Thank you! The line-by-line suggestions are very helpful. In terms of the ambiguity, there are some places earlier in the poem that I want to make clearer, but I was thinking of keeping the last line as is. You mention the last line is the most ambiguous, but did you mean that as ambiguous to the detriment of the poem, or as just a feature of that line?
Knot: Thanks for the feedback! The pond line felt weird to me too and I think you pinned down why. I also like the brevity and rhythm of your suggested version -- I might try and play around with the rhythm more in my edits. I agree that the end is anticlimactic; I'm planning on trying to make the earlier lines a little clearer in terms of narrative, and hopefully that helps the ending too.
busker: Thank you so much! As I mentioned at the top of this message, it's a reference to the Buddhist idea of 49 days after death. I wasn't too sure how well known or not this idea is (it's something I grew up with), but I'm hoping to make some elements of the poem clearer so that hopefully the title doesn't feel so arcane/ambiguous.