02-25-2019, 03:50 AM
Hi Thunderembargo,
I love a lot of the language and really strong, interesting images here. It is great to see something so fresh and different! The core of this poem is really exciting, and I like how you experiment with things like punctuation and font sizing, as well as juxtaposing slang/informal language with striking images. The two major comments I would make at this point are:
(1) To me, the ending of the poem feels a little bit like a let-down. The energy in the first chunk of lines really feels like it's building and building, and then the ending lines are a bit less fresh and make me feel like it's ending on a note of deflation. I would really like to see the energy carried forward more instead.
(2) I quite like your first set of lines, and I'm not opposed to the idea of having the punctuation demarcating the beginning of each line like that, but having it change up like that felt kind of distracting to me and I had a hard time understanding the significance/connection (this could definitely just be me personally not interpreting it well, though!) It also seemed incongruous to me that the images had so much energy, but the lines were all visually similar -- I wonder if you would be interested in playing with the form and structure of those lines instead of or in addition to the punctuation at the beginning?
For more specific line comments:
"-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self" -- This is the one line in the first set that feels rhythmically off to me. I think I stumble on the repeated "of", so the flow just doesn't really work for me.
"+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time" -- Really like these two especially!
"which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, " -- This line is good, and where I really feel like the energy is about to come to a crescendo.
"up the wind pipes and stoke the engines
get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet" -- These two are where I feel like the energy deflates, and the poem doesn't end up bringing us farther.
Best,
ing4
I love a lot of the language and really strong, interesting images here. It is great to see something so fresh and different! The core of this poem is really exciting, and I like how you experiment with things like punctuation and font sizing, as well as juxtaposing slang/informal language with striking images. The two major comments I would make at this point are:
(1) To me, the ending of the poem feels a little bit like a let-down. The energy in the first chunk of lines really feels like it's building and building, and then the ending lines are a bit less fresh and make me feel like it's ending on a note of deflation. I would really like to see the energy carried forward more instead.
(2) I quite like your first set of lines, and I'm not opposed to the idea of having the punctuation demarcating the beginning of each line like that, but having it change up like that felt kind of distracting to me and I had a hard time understanding the significance/connection (this could definitely just be me personally not interpreting it well, though!) It also seemed incongruous to me that the images had so much energy, but the lines were all visually similar -- I wonder if you would be interested in playing with the form and structure of those lines instead of or in addition to the punctuation at the beginning?
For more specific line comments:
"-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self" -- This is the one line in the first set that feels rhythmically off to me. I think I stumble on the repeated "of", so the flow just doesn't really work for me.
"+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time" -- Really like these two especially!
"which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, " -- This line is good, and where I really feel like the energy is about to come to a crescendo.
"up the wind pipes and stoke the engines
get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet" -- These two are where I feel like the energy deflates, and the poem doesn't end up bringing us farther.
Best,
ing4