02-22-2019, 01:57 AM
You need to double check your spelling and grammar. Be consistent with punctuation if you use it. Trim out a lot of material that distracts from you primary theme and try to develop your points with a bit more strength. Particularly, the father's funeral lends nothing to the rest of the poem, I'd ax it. The poem is a hard read, mainly because it has not structure beyond the cliche rhymes.
The obsession seems to be one the speaker has with himself, but your first and last bookend couplets seem to lead the reader in a different direction.
The obsession seems to be one the speaker has with himself, but your first and last bookend couplets seem to lead the reader in a different direction.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona