Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3

[billy]

for a short poem with only small edits you have i think improved it 5-fold. here's a piece of feedback not directed directly at the poem. when every line has cod in it, it makes it harder to decipher and critique. it's probably there because you used word. unless it's what you wanted. i'd suggest using it for the title but leave the poem without extra formatting. as always the choice is yours.

Contra Ayn Rand


Origami teaches more
    than skillful fingers, memory,
    and seeing possibilities
    implicit in material unformed;

one also learns–
    having folded labor, time
    and vision intricately
    through mute matter, owning it–

to loose it freely
    into river, wind or fire
    without regret.

edit1;

Origami teaches more
    than dextrous fingers, memory,
    and seeing possibilities
    implicit in material unformed–

one also learns,
    having folded labor, time
    and vision intricately
    into matter, owning it–

to loose it freely
    into river, wind or fire
    without regret.


original version;

One thing
origami teaches,
    more than skill of fingers,
    memory, and seeing in a thing
    itself turned inside-out,
    implicit possibilities
    of material unformed

is,
    having folded one’s own labor,
    time, and vision intricately
    into matter, making it one’s own–

to loose it freely
onto river, wind or fire,
dispossessed without regret.

---

This started simpler, and I have the sense that it's become over-elaborated.  Advice on how/where to cut or simplify particularly welcome.