Obsession

[billy]

hi JK;

a couple of thoughts on the poem. the first line weakens the poem, for me the thing starts with the 2nd line.

wordiness; you have it in abundance, you need to cut out anything that doesn't add anything.

cliche; try to be original, if you've read what you say somewhere else or even know of it, the odds are it's cliche. cliche can be used under certain conditions but in general they're a no-no and weaken a poem.

Obsession. (This is my second poem and i'm a tad lost any critique is helpful) 

I think you were right love is just obsession
I want to own you, be my possession
My sweat drowns me during the night no need for me, it's a given
But i will not give up without a fight cliche, you have a lot more.
Love truly is a fickle beast filler verging on cliche
Why do i want to die last, but not least but not least; filler
I was the strongest man at my fathers funeral
The things i lost to love are numeral
I will place the wolrd on my shoulders once more
I will sustain loves burden and ruin all i abhor
I shall conquer this vicious world
As my true strength has unfurled mixed tense and also filler, [As my true strength unfurls]
This malicious pain will be my salvation
I will conquer this temptation
And then it will be time for true redemption
I will shatter any and all, this will be my ascension
I shall stand atop the heavens
Sit and laugh as my demons beckon
I will become the man i promised to be cliche
Not even a god will be able to stand aside me
Atleast without immeasurable shame at least
Because i will be the true winner of this game cliche
Then maybe you'll choose to be my possession
Then this love is no longer obsession. no need for is