Obsession

[Richard]

Hey JkArcher,
My biggest two suggestions would be to rethink the rhymes because some of the lines feel like they're just there for the sake of rhyme, and then I would replace some of the concepts you're using here with more specific images. I'll go into more detail about this point below:

Obsession. (This is my second poem and i'm a tad lost any critique is helpful) 

I think you were right love is just obsession
I want to own you, be my possession -What possession? This would be a lot stronger if you used an image.
My sweat drowns me during the night
But i will not give up without a fight
Love truly is a fickle beast -A "beast" is vague. Use a more specific image.
Why do i want to die last, but not least
I was the strongest man at my fathers funeral -I agree with Knot that this would make a stronger first line. This line is the one part of the poem where I was very interested and wanted to know more.
The things i lost to love are numeral
I will place the wolrd on my shoulders once more
I will sustain loves burden and ruin all i abhor
I shall conquer this vicious world
As my true strength has unfurled
This malicious pain will be my salvation
I will conquer this temptation -Instead of just saying "temptation" give an image to draw the reader in.
And then it will be time for true redemption
I will shatter any and all, this will be my ascension
I shall stand atop the heavens
Sit and laugh as my demons beckon
I will become the man i promised to be
Not even a god will be able to stand aside me
Atleast without immeasurable shame
Because i will be the true winner of this game
Then maybe you'll choose to be my possession
Then this love is no longer obsession.

As this is basic critique, I don't want to go overboard on the detail. I would suggest rewriting the next draft without the rhyming and try to be more specific with your imagery. If you're committed to making this a rhyming piece, rework the rhyming back in on the third draft.

Hope this helps,
Richard