Wishes (edit V.2)

[billy]

hail cesar, we have a few helpful posts and hints on how to post and edit etc in the help section.  as well as what i wrote in the body of the poem, the last stanza needs a re-write. at present it's wordy and seems rushed in order to end the poem. let the poem end naturally.  you have a good base for a poem here but it lacks imagery. use simile or metaphor to bring such images to life. watch out for cliche's, they usually spoil a poem's readability because by definition cliches have already been read over and over already. make it as original as you can. i like the delineation with the asterisks  between each type of
wish

Wishes


Eyes close
amidst hopeful concentration. can this line be better stated. what is hopeful concentration, is it a form of meditation perhaps?
Donned in the setting sun’s array  why is the 2nd line not capped but all others are? personally i think it better to use caps after a period but it's not law to do so.
Dandelion seeds take flight, 
Carried by a mouth’s blow. i like the image but this line could be stronger. mouth feels to harsh as does blow, a suggestion would be ... the lips gentle breathe, though i do concede the breathe is usually owned by the chest or lungs.

View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance. make thing like this an image, example: [As every seed dances in the distance.]
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.  these two lines add little or nothing
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets 
The surface of algae-ridden water far below. this stanza could be such a strong image just by change this line.

A face peers down the well’s mouth, 
To no avail, 
Not a trace of the sleek coin. again, turn this into an image and the poem will be stronger and better.

In the well’s cool musty depths, 
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses, 
As light fleeting, 
Every blessing’s forgotten. the last three lines of this stanza feel very wordy
*
Hands fold expectantly, 
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath; watch out for cliche
Secret longings this is another one
Never to reach a human ear.

Trailing behind, and another
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into 
Space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go, 
To fly away.

Whoosh, 
Lost in the wind.
Plink, 
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, 
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky, 
Ascend into space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.





Please give suggestions and criticize! I submit this for state competition tomorrow at 3:15 pm.