Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3
#2
.
Hi duke,

enjoyed this, though 'is' by itself is a slight stumble, for me
(and if 'is' why not 'to' in the next stanza?)
Em dash/hyphen after 'matter' ?
Not convinced that L1 and L2 should be on separate lines.

If you could stand the weak joke, then
One
....thing ...

is

....having ...


to
....loose ...

I think L3 needs work. Maybe 'more than digital dexterity'
If you're going to cut anywhere, I think L5 and L7 are
candidates, and L13 seems a bit too calculated, somehow.
I found it hard to go from the end of S2 to the beginning of S3.
Starting with 'to', without a second 'is' (which would bugger
things up) just isn't working properly.

So (not letting a lack of familiarity with Rand be an impediment)
would it still make the sense you intend as:

One

....thing origami teaches,
....more than [flexibility], memory,
....and seeing in a thing possibility
....itself turned inside-out,

is,

....having folded one’s labor, time
....and vision[,] into matter  [ –]
(Lack of knowledge stumps me here, but
if you could rephrase along the lines of)
....and having, accepted/embraced it

to

....[then] loose it freely
....onto river, wind or fire,
....dispossessed without regret.
....(a blank page ?)
Needs to return to 'origami' at the end, I think.


Best, Knot.


.
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Messages In This Thread
Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3 - by dukealien - 02-15-2019, 11:57 PM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - by Knot - 02-16-2019, 03:45 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - by billy - 02-17-2019, 05:47 PM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit - by dukealien - 02-18-2019, 08:11 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit - by billy - 02-18-2019, 09:09 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit - by Knot - 02-18-2019, 08:35 PM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit2 - by dukealien - 02-20-2019, 12:41 PM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit2 - by Knot - 02-20-2019, 10:03 PM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit2 - by UselessBlueprint - 02-21-2019, 02:56 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit2 - by billy - 02-21-2019, 09:58 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3 - by dukealien - 02-22-2019, 11:35 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3 - by billy - 02-22-2019, 03:15 PM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3 - by Thunderembargo - 02-23-2019, 05:52 AM
RE: Contra Ayn Rand - Edit3 - by dukealien - 02-23-2019, 01:04 PM



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