02-16-2019, 03:45 AM
.
Hi duke,
enjoyed this, though 'is' by itself is a slight stumble, for me
(and if 'is' why not 'to' in the next stanza?)
Em dash/hyphen after 'matter' ?
Not convinced that L1 and L2 should be on separate lines.
If you could stand the weak joke, then
One
....thing ...
is
....having ...
to
....loose ...
I think L3 needs work. Maybe 'more than digital dexterity'
If you're going to cut anywhere, I think L5 and L7 are
candidates, and L13 seems a bit too calculated, somehow.
I found it hard to go from the end of S2 to the beginning of S3.
Starting with 'to', without a second 'is' (which would bugger
things up) just isn't working properly.
So (not letting a lack of familiarity with Rand be an impediment)
would it still make the sense you intend as:
One
....thing origami teaches,
....more than [flexibility], memory,
....and seeing in a thing possibility
....itself turned inside-out,
is,
....having folded one’s labor, time
....and vision[,] into matter [ –]
(Lack of knowledge stumps me here, but
if you could rephrase along the lines of)
....and having, accepted/embraced it –
to
....[then] loose it freely
....onto river, wind or fire,
....dispossessed without regret.
....(a blank page ?)
Needs to return to 'origami' at the end, I think.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi duke,
enjoyed this, though 'is' by itself is a slight stumble, for me
(and if 'is' why not 'to' in the next stanza?)
Em dash/hyphen after 'matter' ?
Not convinced that L1 and L2 should be on separate lines.
If you could stand the weak joke, then
One
....thing ...
is
....having ...
to
....loose ...
I think L3 needs work. Maybe 'more than digital dexterity'
If you're going to cut anywhere, I think L5 and L7 are
candidates, and L13 seems a bit too calculated, somehow.
I found it hard to go from the end of S2 to the beginning of S3.
Starting with 'to', without a second 'is' (which would bugger
things up) just isn't working properly.
So (not letting a lack of familiarity with Rand be an impediment)
would it still make the sense you intend as:
One
....thing origami teaches,
....more than [flexibility], memory,
....and seeing in a thing possibility
....itself turned inside-out,
is,
....having folded one’s labor, time
....and vision[,] into matter [ –]
(Lack of knowledge stumps me here, but
if you could rephrase along the lines of)
....and having, accepted/embraced it –
to
....[then] loose it freely
....onto river, wind or fire,
....dispossessed without regret.
....(a blank page ?)
Needs to return to 'origami' at the end, I think.
Best, Knot.
.

