Obsession

[Knot]

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Hi Jk,

first reaction is that it lacks a narrative
so ends up feeling rather repetitive.
Some of the rhymes miss rather than hit
(which is, sadly, often the way) so don't
be afraid to select the better couplets and
discard the weaker.

A couple of ideas:
Maybe start with
'I was the strongest man at my father's funeral'
(though the 'numeral' rhyme is nonsense) so
perhaps turn it to
'At dad's funeral, I was the strongest man'
and end with the first line (tweaked slightly)
'I think you were right, love, just an obsession.'

Also, look to the order of each couplet,
for example:
My sweat drowns me during the night
But i will not give up without a fight
might be rewritten as
Yet I will not give up without a fight
though sweat drowns me most every night.


Best, Knot.

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