02-14-2019, 08:53 PM
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Hi ing4,
lots to like here, especially the first line, so change the title.
I want to suggest 'Disjointed' but ...
S1 - Excellent verse. The second 'bad' could be replaced by 'all', I think.
S2 - it feels like you need a one more example, to fit between 'hunches' and 'motions'.
The switch to the 'farm' comes too fast.
S3 - this is the weakest verse (except for the ending). Repetition of 'way' and nothing to do with 'bad hips'.
You could end on 'his whole self' (though I'd want to add something like, 'he worked himself to this/he
worked his whole life for this'), but I think you're left with the problem of where's the rest of the family?
Best, Knot.
.
Hi ing4,
lots to like here, especially the first line, so change the title.
I want to suggest 'Disjointed' but ...
S1 - Excellent verse. The second 'bad' could be replaced by 'all', I think.
S2 - it feels like you need a one more example, to fit between 'hunches' and 'motions'.
The switch to the 'farm' comes too fast.
S3 - this is the weakest verse (except for the ending). Repetition of 'way' and nothing to do with 'bad hips'.
You could end on 'his whole self' (though I'd want to add something like, 'he worked himself to this/he
worked his whole life for this'), but I think you're left with the problem of where's the rest of the family?
Best, Knot.
.