02-14-2019, 01:05 AM
Hi Richard,
I think there's a really neat concept behind this poem, it just hasn't fully found itself yet. I hope you don't choose to gut it, though, because I really do love this image of the poltergeist and the chain -- I think at minimum this is an image that could find its way into another poem.
There are a lot of phrases I like: "like a poltergeist shakes its chain," "fistless pounding," "their motive a dead child." Some other parts feel too wordy and space-filling ("impossible to ignore," "composed of blood that eventually disappears") or a little bit treacle-y ("who wanders an empty hall in search of heaven"). The central image of the poem is very compelling to me, but then the poem itself seems to be stretching the image without really adding more. I'd be interested in seeing the "basis" of the poem expanded -- maybe it could become more of a narrative, as one idea for a direction if you wanted to keep going with this?
Best,
ing4
I think there's a really neat concept behind this poem, it just hasn't fully found itself yet. I hope you don't choose to gut it, though, because I really do love this image of the poltergeist and the chain -- I think at minimum this is an image that could find its way into another poem.
There are a lot of phrases I like: "like a poltergeist shakes its chain," "fistless pounding," "their motive a dead child." Some other parts feel too wordy and space-filling ("impossible to ignore," "composed of blood that eventually disappears") or a little bit treacle-y ("who wanders an empty hall in search of heaven"). The central image of the poem is very compelling to me, but then the poem itself seems to be stretching the image without really adding more. I'd be interested in seeing the "basis" of the poem expanded -- maybe it could become more of a narrative, as one idea for a direction if you wanted to keep going with this?
Best,
ing4