02-02-2019, 08:46 PM
.
Hi Richard.
This one doesn't work for me I'm afraid.
It doesn't seem to be long enough to develop
the rhythm promised by the opening nor does
it build to a satisfying crescendo, and
despite the ending, there's little sign of
anything impacting on N.
S1 - I can't disassociate this from Jacob Marley.
(and shouldn't it be plural? Their chains?
S2 - 'fistless', lost here. Seem to suggest something
similar to 'an empty gesture' but then they're
'impossible to ignore'.
'eventually disappears' seems very mundane after
'blood'.
'their motive', spelling it out weakens it. Can you
rework so it becomes figurative?
S3 - this I do like, but it is obviously just a fragment.
I have seen these phantoms
[which] fade away in [day's light],
only [to return *when* ]
to haunt me again.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi Richard.
This one doesn't work for me I'm afraid.
It doesn't seem to be long enough to develop
the rhythm promised by the opening nor does
it build to a satisfying crescendo, and
despite the ending, there's little sign of
anything impacting on N.
S1 - I can't disassociate this from Jacob Marley.
(and shouldn't it be plural? Their chains?
S2 - 'fistless', lost here. Seem to suggest something
similar to 'an empty gesture' but then they're
'impossible to ignore'.
'eventually disappears' seems very mundane after
'blood'.
'their motive', spelling it out weakens it. Can you
rework so it becomes figurative?
S3 - this I do like, but it is obviously just a fragment.
I have seen these phantoms
[which] fade away in [day's light],
only [to return *when* ]
to haunt me again.
Best, Knot.
.