Second Edit: Pleasantries

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
back on the original track, and an improvement over the original.

Make her smile on her birthday,
- 'Made' works now, if you want.
some stupid joke that isn't me.

Conversation flounders on
a rising tide [of] small talk.

They always said drowning was peaceful,
but overactive brain fires desperately-
- needs a pronoun

unresponsive hands continue to grasp
plastic cutlery she bought.

Her lonely eyes whisper
- 'lonely eyes' is too much melodrama/cliche,
and, 'whisper' doesn't seem right in the circumstances.
(and given the opening line, she would know that N
was trying).
that it would be rude to leave,

while sickly sweet cake scrapes
- 'scrapes' doesn't really work with something as soft
as a cake (sonics notwithstanding), why not 'sticks
in my ...' ?
coffee stained esophagus.

- feels like you need another couplet to round it off.
If N can't leave, then what?



Some food for thought.



Made her smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me.

[She knows, but that look is telling
me] it would be rude to leave.

[S]ickly sweet cake [sticks
to my] coffee stained esophagus,

unresponsive hands grasp[ing
the] plastic cutlery she bought.

Conversation flounders on [and on]
a rising tide [of inanities].

They always said drowning was peaceful,
[or is that just my over-active brain

desperately firing?]



Best, Knot.



.