Second Edit: Pleasantries

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I went into more detail below. I was unsure if this was a good direction for the poem to go in, so I appreciate your suggestions.

Thanks again,
Richard

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Feels like a wrong turning to me, Richard.


Past tense in L1, present in L10. -My bad, missed this one.

'my birthday' makes the adult/child issue that -I was very curious how this change would affect the poem, so I'm happy to see you comment on it.
billy identified more noticeable.

The stop/start nature of some of the lines -Might have sacrificed too much to make this into couplets.
(especially S3) is awkward.

'Drenched' still doesn't get you to 'drowning'
('flounders' might?). -I like the suggestion of "flounders"

The last line is just too long. -I was also very curious on what thoughts would be on this, so I'm happy for the input.


Best, Knot.


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Hey all,
Did another edit. Special thanks to Knot, your comments on the second edit got me thinking enough to do an almost immediate edit.

Thanks again,
Richard