01-26-2019, 09:19 AM
(01-24-2019, 01:55 PM)Richard Wrote: Pleasantries
Made them smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me. somehow this line seems awkward and clear at the same time. I think the syntax bugs me, it seems that it should be "mine" rather than "me". Or "like me" but that messes up the rhythm.
Small talk saturated the conversation. I would like to see more of how small talk saturates the conversation than being told so. I hate small talk.
They always said drowning was peaceful,
but my brain desperately fired: Probably just me but I think I miss what this means.
unresponsive hands continued to
grasp plastic fork and knife,
stationary feet felt it would be rude to leave,
sickly sweet cake slid down probably the best lines here. I wonder if the cake should be fitfully or scraping down the esophagus.
coffee stained esophagus.
I enjoyed this after several readings. I wonder if it can't be expanded a little more, more maybe not just to keep its focus.