Second Edit: Pleasantries

[Knot]

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Hi Richard,
nice vignette.
Would suggest breaking it into couplets.


Pleasantries
- works well enough, though
the piece seems to be more about
good manners, or desperation.


Made them smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me.

Small talk saturated the conversation.
- not convinced by 'saturated', doesn't really
lead into 'drowning'. Maybe
a rising tide of small talk,
or
small talk, water-boarding conversation ?
They always said drowning was peaceful,

but my brain fired desperately: unresponsive
hands continued to grasp [the] plastic

fork and [plastic] knife, [too tightly], sickly
sweet cake [choked, choked, choked] down

coffee stained esophagus. [No excuses]
stationary feet felt it would be rude to leave,
- like the idea of this but don't think the execution
is quite right. Perhaps its 'feet felt', not sure, but it
isn't quite as satisfying as it should be. Maybe
something like:
coffee stained esophagus. [No excuses]
[her glare told me] it would be rude to leave ?


Regards, Knot.



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