12-14-2018, 01:38 AM
Hi Crow,
like the form/at and the idea. You snuck in a revision
while I was thinking. Much better ending! And L14
now makes sense. The only think I'm not keen on is
the title, can't relate it to the piece (give us a clue).
Line 1: I don’t know how to process all of this
- (Put a zero in front of the single digit lines, for the aesthetics)
Good opening line. You could, maybe, make L2 a higher number,
to give the impression that more time has passed.
You might also consider inserting L13 here,
Line 13: How to fix my eyes on something beautiful.
(suggested this before I saw your revised ending, but I think
the idea, of a more fragmented/random thought process to
start has some merit).
Line 2: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 3: Help me.
Line 4: I don’t know how to process all of this.
- think you should skip this line and go to L5
Line 5: I don’t know . . . Am I supposed to do something?
- I like the question here, perhaps a few more might be asked?
Line 6: I don’t know how to process all of this.
- don't think the repetition works here. Not after the question.
Line 7: I could repeat, over and over, like the man who raped her
- This (with the 'over and over' and 'the man who') is a bit clumsy,
and there's an ambiguity here in that one could interpret the line as
reading that the rapist also said how much he needed her.
(I think, following on from L5, it should begin
Line 07: Should I repeat ... )
Line 8: how much I need her. How much things can work
- like this enjambment, but the next few are not doing enough.
I don't think L9-12 are as clear as they might be, the progression
of thoughts doesn't flow, it feels a bit rushed here.
Just a suggestion:
Line 08: how much I need her? Should I say how much
Line 09: I want to be good? To smile. [to z] That I don't know
Line 10: how such things can work out. That I don’t know how
Line 11: to fix my eyes on something beautiful. That I don't
Line 12: know how to process, how to ... Help.
Line 13: But I love her. So fuck it. I’ll figure it out.
Line 14: This line can kiss my ass.
Regards, Knot.
.
like the form/at and the idea. You snuck in a revision
while I was thinking. Much better ending! And L14
now makes sense. The only think I'm not keen on is
the title, can't relate it to the piece (give us a clue).
Line 1: I don’t know how to process all of this
- (Put a zero in front of the single digit lines, for the aesthetics)
Good opening line. You could, maybe, make L2 a higher number,
to give the impression that more time has passed.
You might also consider inserting L13 here,
Line 13: How to fix my eyes on something beautiful.
(suggested this before I saw your revised ending, but I think
the idea, of a more fragmented/random thought process to
start has some merit).
Line 2: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 3: Help me.
Line 4: I don’t know how to process all of this.
- think you should skip this line and go to L5
Line 5: I don’t know . . . Am I supposed to do something?
- I like the question here, perhaps a few more might be asked?
Line 6: I don’t know how to process all of this.
- don't think the repetition works here. Not after the question.
Line 7: I could repeat, over and over, like the man who raped her
- This (with the 'over and over' and 'the man who') is a bit clumsy,
and there's an ambiguity here in that one could interpret the line as
reading that the rapist also said how much he needed her.
(I think, following on from L5, it should begin
Line 07: Should I repeat ... )
Line 8: how much I need her. How much things can work
- like this enjambment, but the next few are not doing enough.
I don't think L9-12 are as clear as they might be, the progression
of thoughts doesn't flow, it feels a bit rushed here.
Just a suggestion:
Line 08: how much I need her? Should I say how much
Line 09: I want to be good? To smile. [to z] That I don't know
Line 10: how such things can work out. That I don’t know how
Line 11: to fix my eyes on something beautiful. That I don't
Line 12: know how to process, how to ... Help.
Line 13: But I love her. So fuck it. I’ll figure it out.
Line 14: This line can kiss my ass.
Regards, Knot.
.